One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
