remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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