Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
