When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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