I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
