and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
