I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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