I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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