Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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