Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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