god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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