Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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