its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
