can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
