I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
