why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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