I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
