I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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