I want to make a zoo with you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
