Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
