Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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