i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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