you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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