I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
