I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just googled if crying burns calories
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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