I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
