My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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