Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just saw a hot homeless man
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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