What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
