So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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