New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
