I think scott just propositioned me for sex
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize