I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
