turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
