Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i out mim tonsoeep
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