Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
