I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
