They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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