She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
