he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize