i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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