please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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