At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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