u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
