Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Pants are for mortals
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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