So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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