i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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