I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
