fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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