I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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