I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
