We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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