Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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