her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
