There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
