My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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