I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
