My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
