I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
