these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
