I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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